One Dream

So here I am, at another crossroad. So scared of the future. So scared of this dream getting greater and greater.

I’ve always dreamed high. And I’ve lived every year of my life pursuing my dreams, stepping through gates opened at the gentle but unstoppable breath of the Holy Spirit.

Last night I was laying in bed feeling so small, telling God: “Just look at me, God, what can You do with me? What can you do with such a broken, feeble, scared being?” Because that’s how I felt: broken, feeble, and scared. Yet alongside my feelings of insufficiency, the potential within cries out for expression, for freedom, for growth, for being put at use.

As I sat there with my feelings and thoughts, God’s Spirit enveloped me in a love so beautiful and true that I convinced only God can offer; so amazingly good and real I could almost taste it. Truly, as He said: “Taste and see how good is the Lord” (Ps. 34:8).

Today I dwelled on the famous poem of Marrianne Williamson:

Our Greatest Fear

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

As I pondered at this, I remembered what a friend of mine told me once: “Adelina, I don’t know if I ever told you, but my decision to go to the mission field was very much influenced by your decision to go before.“ No, I did not know that. Nor would I have ever imagined. But then again, I did not imagine many other things that came to life years, and years later. Things that made me exclaim in awe: Truly, God’s ways are mysterious and complex. And we are less than a grain of sand in the sandals of salvation. Yet we are. And only eternity will tell how our choices and the paths we take in life have mattered.

Yes, I know I have the spirit of a door opener. Yes, I know sometimes I don’t mind being the first, if need be. But sometimes I do wonder: must I? Isn’t there another? Can’t I wait a little longer until things settle some more? It’s not an easy burden, that’s for sure. Sometimes I just see these faces of anger starring at me, accusing, blaming, faces of those who serve together with me the same God, the same Savior. And for a second or two, I stop, and wonder, and question: my ability, my gifts, my path. But not too long. For no one can close the door that God has opened. And no one can answer God’s calling for us other than ourselves. It may be a lonely path, but it is the path. And every time I stop and wonder, I come out of it stronger, and more determined. No, I can’t stop. I can’t leave the armor down.

I have one dream, and one dream only that is master over my life: to follow God. Despite the insufficiency I am aware of, despite all my past failures yelling for attention, despite all the stones in the road, despite all attempts by humans and other beings to stop me, here I am, still walking, one foot in front of the other. And the dream continues to unveil, in more of its beauty and more of God’s glory – the glory of a Father who has been the most amazing companion in good times, and bad times; when I succeeded, and when I failed; when I followed, and when I backtracked.

I don’t even know if my tears are tears of joy, or of fear. Probably both. And when I truly sit still and remember the way God lead me in the past, I am deeply humbled, as I realize again that so many roads I walked on bypassed human predicament, because an unseen Hand was guiding. And here I am, heading towards another door; more responsibility, more risks , and greater fears than ever. But I know that the future only will unveil God’s plans and purposes. And maybe only in decades from now I will be able to look back and see how one step in a direction rather than another could have made such a difference, and realize one more time that there is nothing sweeter then walking in the path God has for you: a path of service, dedication, and constant growth.

I’ve been listening to this song all day in the background. But now, for a few minutes, I sat quiet and marveled at the beauty of the words. And I’ve said my prayer tonight, along with the singer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4_mc8srZCs&feature=player_embedded#at=211

If I could just sit a while with You...